Desperate
For the longest time I’ve been distant from God and whenever I even attempted to pray I’d begin to think “Michelle, you’re only doing this because you’re obligated to as a Christian” or “Michelle, you’re just praying now because you want that. Stop using God.” The devil would ALWAYS tell me that I’m just praying or reading the Bible, so that God can reward me for “being a good Christian” or for doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Sigh it’s hard to explain but constantly having these thoughts kept me away from God for the longest time.
And today I hear that I am deferred and will find out W&M’s decision in April, and it nearly killed me. I guess I shouldn’t have expected much though because quite honestly, I’ve barely prayed regarding it, considering that I barely prayed in general (However, I’m not saying that I didn’t get accepted because I didn’t prayer). Anywho it sucked. I wanted to punch everyone in the face who said “Oh don’t worry, you’re definitely going to get in regular”, I hated going on Facebook seeing everyone’s status, I don’t know but as time passed I just became more emotional, disappointed, and angry. So I finally decided to pray. But while I was praying for trust, comfort, etc, random questions would enter my head like “Oh so you go to him now, when bad things start to happen huh?” or “Praying isn’t going to make this better, so don’t expect for you to get accepted” and blah I don’t even remember the other half of the things that flooded my head, but in the middle of struggling to continue praying through all the thoughts I was having, it was as if a light went off in me saying “Don’t listen to those lies.” And I just stopped for a moment to think about the past 4 years where I felt as if my prayers were……worthless, selfish, and were not wanted to be heard by God. Lies attempting me from going to God, and to think that they worked and that the devil was successful. It’s crazy how diligent the devil can be. I remember over the summer, I’d pray in the middle of the night before I slept (around 3AM) and out of nowhere in my mind there would be these demonic looking creatures that would pop up, straining their necks towards face, opening their mouths as I watch them silently roar. It sounds stupid but that just goes to show, how desperate Satan is, when he sees us growing with God.
But although it was easy for me to push away the demonic images out of my head, the lies that I’ve been fed are much harder to shake loose of. Now whenever I pray, there’s always those questions and lies I need to pray over. And it’s difficult. And just as difficult it is to trust God for my future plans, with being deferred to W&M, mostly likely rejected to UVA, and not knowing where else I want to apply, it’s hard to pray for that when all I hear in my head is “Stop being selfish by praying about college, obviously you’re going to go somewhere” or “There’s no point in praying, God’s already decided what going to happen”
I don’t know I’m just extremely discouraged right now but also encouraged that God, despite whatever I’m going through, is always welcoming me with open arms, but still the lies are clouding over the encouragement. Gah I don’t know, my heart is one big mess.
Thank you
For my 18th birthday, I sat down with my family last night to celebrate my 18th birthday.
After the traditional singing and blowing out the candles, my dad asked my mom and brother to share two things; a memory of me they have and a word of encouragement. My brother started off, “When Michelle first got her license, we drove around everywhere. And we got to talk a lot in the car. It was nice.” My mom went next and said, “I remember when Michelle was two years old she would stand on chairs to dance and sing. Her ‘ehgyo’ overflowed when she was little. It was so cute and always put a smile on my face.” And after this is when I started breaking. She told me for the rest of my life that God will lead me and that I’m in good hands.
I honestly don’t know what happened, but tears started to form in my eyes, and as I’m recounting of what happened they’re forming again at the moment.
My dad went after my mom. At this point my eyes are red, and I’m doing the best I can to swallow all the tears I have. And thank you dad for breaking the dam. As he was saying that the first time he held me in his arms at the hospital he bawled, I started bawling, then my dad seeing me cry, started as well.
And I just sat there with the cake in front of me, still smoking from the recently extinguished candles, tears streaming down my face. I was so happy. I was so happy. I was sooooooo happy. As I looked around- my mom laughing, my dad crying, and my brother looking so confused-all I could think of was that this is what family is supposed to look like.If this is the kind of love and happiness that my earthly family can give to me, I am overwhelmed by and yearning for the love my God can lavish onto me.
Thank you family for being so good to me. Thank you God for having been, is, and always will be good to me.
(I don’t even remember my dad’s words of encouragement, this was encouragement enough)
I don’t know what to think or what to do.
I have problems with turning to someone when I need them when I’ve wrong them. And that’s probably normal in most cases but I’m like that with God.
I’ve been pretty much the greatest sinner these past months. I cared nothing about God and only about myself. I convinced myself that God failed me in every way I started to doubt everything I knew and was taught about God. Everything I was told was contradicting to everything I saw happening let alone experiencing. (although maybe I was taught the wrong things)
I went to the Bible for some comfort but only let me to more doubts. I started doubted what the Bible said because whenever I read it I found that there are so many messages in it and quite frankly for me some of them go against each other.
God is love, but he is just? That makes no sense for me, so God is able to love someone their whole lives while they’re alive but then they die it’s just like oops okay go to hell bye? What? And who can go to hell? According to what I’ve been taught and according to the bible not homosexuals and people who’ve committed suicide. But I thought all sins were the same to God? And if you ask for forgiveness it is given to you? How can being gay send you to hell when after murdering someone you can go to heaven still? And those people in remote places that have never even heard of the Gospel, is it fair that they go to hell? Is it their fault no one has reached out the them?
There’s so many more doubts and questions I have about God. I talked to my dad about it and he said that humans are always going to be incapable of truly understanding. But if I’m going to put my faith into something that will determine the rest of my life and after life I want to at least have some answers to my questions, especially if I’m starting to find so many faults and inconsistencies with it.
But this was getting off point, anywho. I’m finding God to be unsatisfying and different then the God I believed in in 7th grade. I read the Bible and prayed, but all I felt was more anger inside of me, and it came from no where. For example in the middle of qt my brother came in and starting being loud and annoying and usually before when I did qt I’d find that it’d help me to be more patient but that time I exploded at him saying “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT. CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I WANT SOME QUIET, FREAKING STUPID” and shut the door on his face. And right after that I just broke down, wondering how I could be praising God and reading the Bible one moment and then suddenly explode on my brother the next. Just little things like these, I thought that reading the Bible and praying would further my relationship with God but it only made me blame him and not trust him. During Pastor Matt’s sermon, I got reminded of myself, “I’m reading the Bible God, I’m praying, I’m doing what you want, but why is my life still like this? Why aren’t things turning better?”.
And I know I did wrong to God and I know that I shouldn’t be thinking what I do. But what makes it worse now is that I can’t find God comforting anymore, I’m ashamed to go back to him. Even though my life is in one of the lowest positions it’s ever been in right now, still my pride gets in the way of my praying to God asking for forgiveness. It’s hard to explain, but I just a few minutes ago when I tried to pray I couldn’t. I felt kind of like when you get in trouble with your mom one second, but then a few moments later you had to go back to her to ask for a favor, like that embarrassed feeling and you don’t want to ask her because you still feel prideful from the argument. Yeah gosh, I thought’d I’d be able to articulate how I felt more effectively than this but I guess not.
But basically I know the path I’m living right now is not the path I should be on. My previous attempt to turn around just got me more lost and confused, and if I do devotions now again it’s still with the same me mentality, I need to do this for myself kind of thing, and I’m scared that’s going to bring me the same results as before. How do I even read the Bible? How do I start praying again when I feel like I’m just talking to myself, that God’s just shaking his head at me? These things don’t even bring me peace and comfort anymore, I just feel like a hypocrite now when I open my Bible and close my eyes and start to pray.
Owned.
School’s about to start in less than a week and this summer my prayers have just been about my preparation for Junior year (that I’m not lazy, etc) and also for good teachers. Because sophomore year, I had a few of the worst teachers I have experienced in my life, I was nearly confident that for Junior year God would provide good teachers.
Well the letter came in the mail, and lo and behold I have the exact teachers that I did not want, that I prayed not to have. In that moment of time, all the goodness and happiness in my mind went blank. (Basically felt like I was in the presence of a dementor) I was infuriated and just ended up thinking that God wants to waste my time, have me suck at life, and not be successful. I know, I was overreacting but 10th grade was so bad for me, having teachers that accused me of cheating, lying, and now seeing on my schedule the name of the worst teacher at SLHS (or rumors to be), I died a little.
I was so angry that I didn’t talk to my parents or anything. In my car my mom said, “Michelle, just trust God, he has a plan.” And all I could managed to do was sulk and stare out the window. “What plan? Plan for me to fail? God is not good. I tried trusting him sophomore, I studied and tried but he failed me then. And now he’s failing me again, some good God huh?” And my mom was quiet for awhile and just looked at me and said, “Michelle, I’m so disappointed in you. I though you learned from your trip from El Salvador. Remember those children there? They have nothing, yet they still praise God. You don’t even know how blessed you are. How is it that you, who have a good house, a family, food, money, education, and a future, can lose trust in God so easily, can curse His name, and blame him for every small thing that happens. Open your eyes”. And after that I just shut up.
Dang, my mom owned me so hard.
029: Freakin’ A
I’ve never been so pissed off an dissappointed in my life. D:
I got my report card in the mail…………….holy shitake mushrooms.
Never again….
028: Finally Over
So the school years over and I’m just filled with dissappointment.
Freaking studying for those classes was a waste of my time. If I knew that the last 3 days of school were going to kill my grades……
Pissed that I wasted my time and effort.
027: Rest in Peace
Recently, someone that I’ve known since I was born passed away.
Although I didn’t know him personally I would always “een-sah” to him and his wife around church and they would comment of how much I’ve grown since I was young.
This is one of the first people that I’ve actually grew up knowing and seeing often that has passed away. (My grandma passed way ages ago but I only met her once when I was a year old). And this is also the first Pre-funeral service (I’m not sure what to call it cause it wasn’t the funeral) I have attended, since my grandma lived in Korea. It made me proud at the service to see many younger (youth group) there to support and show respect.
It especially broke my heart to year the grandson’s letter to his grandpa, who was basically his father to him. It makes me regret not starting up a conversation for him or being a good older sister in Christ to him at church.
I’m now convicted to be a better granddaughter myself, cause you never know when… yeah, but it can be challenging at times because the conversation can only go so far because of the language barrier. But one of the goals I swear to myself is that a few times a year (maybe on their birthday or anniversary) I will walk to their retirement building from school and just go to spend time with them. My grandma always used to constantly call to check up on me but I’d just be on the line half-listening to what she said saying “neh, yeh, neh” when I needed to, nam saying? I first wanted to be a better granddaughter when I overheard my dad talking to my mom about purchasing their cemetary spot.. -.-;; and I was like “What the heck! Are they sick?” but then he told me they’re fine, he’s just doing everything in advanced.
Yeah I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just haven’t blogged in awhile and wanted to rant out some thoughts.
026: Fortune cookies words are truth.
So, I’ve been recieving some comments that my posts have been “pretty angry”,
so I guess I’ll write a positive one?
Today I cracked open a fortune cookie and it said “You look pretty.”
And that got me thinking.. I WANNA HAVE A FORTUNE COOKIE BUSINESS
Here are my ideas…….
-”You have something stuck in your teeth”
-”Congradulations, you’ve been enrolled into Hogwarts”
-”That wasn’t chicken in the Lo Mein”
-”Eat another cookie for your fortune”
Ok.. that’s sadly all that I can think of for now.
*Random* Today at school my friend wrote “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHELLE!” on the board and everyone was saying happy birthday to me when they came into the classroom and I was just like “Oh uh.. it’s not my birthday…”, LOL and this one guy was like “Let’s sing her happy birthday!” and the teacher was like “OKAY!” so everyone sang happy birthday to me today.. even though my birthday is October 22. -_-
So yeah short blog but it’s not angry 
025: WTF do my parents want from me?
So, my parents have been EXTRA ANNOYING and EXTRA NAGGING this year.
One of their most used phrases: “Why do you lock yourself in your room all the time and don’t come into the family room?”
My dad tried to get me out of my room; he turned of the internet so I couldn’t go on my computer, he tried bringing my computer outside to the living room, and he just tried screaming my name so I came out.
Why do I not spend time with my family? Why do I stay in my room for most of the time I’m home?
Maybe cause I’m actually doing homework in my room? Maybe I’m actually studying for the test coming up.
Or maybe it’s cause if I’m out in the living room, my parents bombard me with questions like “WHY AREN’T YOU IN YOUR ROOM STUDYING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?” Maybe cause once I take off my headphones all I can here are their constant nagging and lectures about not being good enough and about getting betters grades, spending my time better, etcetc. Maybe I just need some freakin’ space and to be alone to wind down, esp if I had a long day.
Could it be that when I’m in the living room, no one else is even there? Or my brother is on the computer doing his own thing, my mom is watching a drama on tv, and my dad is reading a book or in the basement playing guitar. No word is said, no eye contact is mad. No offense, but I’d rather just be in my room than to be in the living room with my family when no one is acknowledging each others’ presence.
