Michelle Park's Blog

I have problems with turning to someone when I need them when I’ve wrong them. And that’s probably normal in most cases but I’m like that with God.

I’ve been pretty much the greatest sinner these past months. I cared nothing about God and only about myself. I convinced myself that God failed me in every way I started to doubt everything I knew and was taught about God. Everything I was told was contradicting to everything I saw happening let alone experiencing. (although maybe I was taught the wrong things)
I went to the Bible for some comfort but only let me to more doubts. I started doubted what the Bible said because whenever I read it I found that there are so many messages in it and quite frankly for me some of them go against each other.
God is love, but he is just? That makes no sense for me, so God is able to love someone their whole lives while they’re alive but then they die it’s just like oops okay go to hell bye? What? And who can go to hell? According to what I’ve been taught and according to the bible not homosexuals and people who’ve committed suicide. But I thought all sins were the same to God? And if you ask for forgiveness it is given to you? How can being gay send you to hell when after murdering someone you can go to heaven still? And those people in remote places that have never even heard of the Gospel, is it fair that they go to hell? Is it their fault no one has reached out the them?
There’s so many more doubts and questions I have about God. I talked to my dad about it and he said that humans are always going to be incapable of truly understanding. But if I’m going to put my faith into something that will determine the rest of my life and after life I want to at least have some answers to my questions, especially if I’m starting to find so many faults and inconsistencies with it.

But this was getting off point, anywho. I’m finding God to be unsatisfying and different then the God I believed in in 7th grade. I read the Bible and prayed, but all I felt was more anger inside of me, and it came from no where. For example in the middle of qt my brother came in and starting being loud and annoying and usually before when I did qt I’d find that it’d help me to be more patient but that time I exploded at him saying “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT. CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I WANT SOME QUIET, FREAKING STUPID” and shut the door on his face. And right after that I just broke down, wondering how I could be praising God and reading the Bible one moment and then suddenly explode on my brother the next. Just little things like these, I thought that reading the Bible and praying would further my relationship with God but it only made me blame him and not trust him. During Pastor Matt’s sermon, I got reminded of myself, “I’m reading the Bible God, I’m praying, I’m doing what you want, but why is my life still like this? Why aren’t things turning better?”.

And I know I did wrong to God and I know that I shouldn’t be thinking what I do. But what makes it worse now is that I can’t find God comforting anymore, I’m ashamed to go back to him. Even though my life is in one of the lowest positions it’s ever been in right now, still my pride gets in the way of my praying to God asking for forgiveness. It’s hard to explain, but I just a few minutes ago when I tried to pray I couldn’t. I felt kind of like when you get in trouble with your mom one second, but then a few moments later you had to go back to her to ask for a favor, like that embarrassed feeling and you don’t want to ask her because you still feel prideful from the argument. Yeah gosh, I thought’d I’d be able to articulate how I felt more effectively than this but I guess not.

But basically I know the path I’m living right now is not the path I should be on. My previous attempt to turn around just got me more lost and confused, and if I do devotions now again it’s still with the same me mentality, I need to do this for myself kind of thing, and I’m scared that’s going to bring me the same results as before. How do I even read the Bible? How do I start praying again when I feel like I’m just talking to myself, that God’s just shaking his head at me? These things don’t even bring me peace and comfort anymore, I just feel like a hypocrite now when I open my Bible and close my eyes and start to pray.