Michelle Park's Blog

For the longest time I’ve been distant from God and whenever I even attempted to pray I’d begin to think “Michelle, you’re only doing this because you’re obligated to as a Christian” or “Michelle, you’re just praying now because you want that. Stop using God.” The devil would ALWAYS tell me that I’m just praying or reading the Bible, so that God can reward me for “being a good Christian” or for doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Sigh it’s hard to explain but constantly having these thoughts kept me away from God for the longest time. 

And today I hear that I am deferred and will find out W&M’s decision in April, and it nearly killed me. I guess I shouldn’t have expected much though because quite honestly, I’ve barely prayed regarding it, considering that I barely prayed in general (However, I’m not saying that I didn’t get accepted because I didn’t prayer). Anywho it sucked. I wanted to punch everyone in the face who said “Oh don’t worry, you’re definitely going to get in regular”, I hated going on Facebook seeing everyone’s status, I don’t know but as time passed I just became more emotional, disappointed, and angry. So I finally decided to pray. But while I was praying for trust, comfort, etc, random questions would enter my head like “Oh so you go to him now, when bad things start to happen huh?” or “Praying isn’t going to make this better, so don’t expect for you to get accepted” and blah I don’t even remember the other half of the things that flooded my head, but in the middle of struggling to continue praying through all the thoughts I was having, it was as if a light went off in me saying “Don’t listen to those lies.” And I just stopped for a moment to think about the past 4 years where I felt as if my prayers were……worthless, selfish, and were not wanted to be heard by God. Lies attempting me from going to God, and to think that they worked and that the devil was successful. It’s crazy how diligent the devil can be. I remember over the summer, I’d pray in the middle of the night before I slept (around 3AM) and out of nowhere in my mind there would be these demonic looking creatures that would pop up, straining their necks towards face, opening their mouths as I watch them silently roar. It sounds stupid but that just goes to show, how desperate Satan is, when he sees us growing with God.

But although it was easy for me to push away the demonic images out of my head, the lies that I’ve been fed are much harder to shake loose of. Now whenever I pray, there’s always those questions and lies I need to pray over. And it’s difficult. And just as difficult it is to trust God for my future plans, with being deferred to W&M, mostly likely rejected to UVA, and not knowing where else I want to apply, it’s hard to pray for that when all I hear in my head is “Stop being selfish by praying about college, obviously you’re going to go somewhere” or “There’s no point in praying, God’s already decided what going to happen”

I don’t know I’m just extremely discouraged right now but also encouraged that God, despite whatever I’m going through, is always welcoming me with open arms, but still the lies are clouding over the encouragement. Gah I don’t know, my heart is one big mess.